Nurturing Family Connections Through Brain-Based Parenting

Brain-Based Parenting is not just a learning opportunity; it's a chance to enrich our parenting experiences. At Cambridge-Isanti Schools, we recently had the privilege of delving into this topic under the expert guidance of Ms. Elizabeth Szybatka, MA, LPCC, RPT-S™, a Clinical Supervisor from Lighthouse Child & Family Services. The session shared practical strategies and insights that can help families connect, especially through challenging behaviors. Here are four take-aways from the sessions.

The Power of Validation

Validation is about acknowledging and understanding your child’s feelings, even when their behavior might be challenging. Ms. Szybatka emphasized the importance of looking beyond their actions to focus on the emotions behind them. For example, when faced with a child upset about the end of screen time, a simple acknowledgment goes a long way.

“I hear you. You were upset because I told you no more screen time. That felt really unfair, and now you’re feeling mad at me. It's okay to be mad; I understand ending screen time is hard. It's hard for most people to end screen time, even me. I am right here with you to help you with your mad feelings.”

Navigating Limits with ACT

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of parenting, and Ms. Szybatka introduced us to ACT Limit Setting to make this process more manageable:

• Acknowledge: Recognize the emotions or needs prompting the behavior.
• Communicate: Clearly and confidently state the limit.
• Target: Propose an alternative option.

For instance, when leaving the park, you might say, "I understand you enjoy playing here and don’t want to leave, but it's time to head home. How about we read a book or watch Bluey together at home?"

Maybe your child is upset they can’t go outside to play.

Acknowledge: “I know you are upset you can’t go to the park today. I know how much you love playing outside.”

Communicate: “We can’t go to the park today; it’s too cold outside. We can find some fun activities at home.”

Target: “Let’s make a pretend camp in the living room or build a blanket fort.”

Understanding Rupture & Repair

We’ve all been there. Your child does something that flips your lid, and you lose your temper. Maybe you yelled or gave your child a punishment without a lot of thought or logic involved. This is called rupture and is an inevitable part of all relationships.

What’s important now is to repair the situation. It doesn’t always come naturally. Your first instinct may be to double down on your initial reaction (giving and immediately backing down on punishment may feel wrong. Some people may feel an urge to retreat and avoid emotionally processing what happened.

Repairing requires genuine effort and emotional work. It’s okay to take a little time to calm down and reflect before coming back to your child to talk about what happened (keep open communication along the way so your child knows you are taking a minute to think, and not because they have done something wrong). Repair starts by apologizing for your role in the rupture and dropping your expectations for your child’s behavior at the moment (you may be able to apologize, but your child may not be emotionally ready to do the same, and that’s ok). Ms. Szybatka recommends acknowledging your child’s emotions and how your behavior impacted them without shifting the blame to them.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper at the park. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. When you refused to get in the car, I got really mad, and I didn’t handle my feelings very well. I know when I yelled, it made you sad and upset, too. Why don’t we read a book together to let our minds and bodies calm down even more?”

Caring for the Caregiver

Parenting is only part of your identity, and it’s essential to nourish your needs aside from your role as a parent. Reflect on your various roles (they may be things like parent, spouse, household manager, employee, volunteer, friend, athlete, artist, photographer, reader etc.).

Sometimes, being a caregiver or parent can feel all-consuming. Being a caregiver is hard work and requires significant physical and mental energy! It’s easy to get overwhelmed or burned out when you aren’t able to nourish other parts of yourself.

Reflect on your needs and identify the important needs that can help fuel your ability to continue caregiving. Self-care can look like scheduling massages, pedicures or staycations, but it can also be about little things like leaving dinner dishes until the next day or making frozen waffles for dinner one night when you’re too tired to cook a full meal.

Life is about balance, and caring for yourself means being kind and compassionate toward your own needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup—you can’t help others when you have nothing left to give. Care for yourself first so that you can care for others.